School and calling

I'm going to keep typing... this feels good to get this out! So... after the relationship ephiphany...

School. And ministry. And my struggles from last quarter.

First year of school was amazing. I LOVE being back in school... I LOVE being where I know I am called to be. This was an amazing move....

And then, summer. Greek. My favorite class. My best grades. I loved getting into the text and seeing the nuances that the Greek can communicate that English just cannot even BEGIN to express. And scripture came alive. And I knew that I was in the right place... God was showing me again and again what this calling on my life is going to be.

And then... Fall. And my internship. And I was FINALLY back in ministry. First year, I church-hopped and just visited for awhile. I didn't get involved, I didn't sing in a choir, I didn't commit to a committee. And I think I forgot how life-giving ministry is for me. Until I started at Burbank. God brought me there for a reason - knowing it was a community where I could feel at home, be moved to action, and serve. I have been ministered to so much by this congregation.

They treat me as a pastor. (I know, more 'Duh!' statements from Ariel.) They're supposed to be treating me as a pastor, since that's what I'm learning to be. But... it's working. They think of me as a pastor - before I had fully embraced that identity. It's been strange - but great.

And then Christmas break. And wonderful time with family and new friends in Florida. And then being sick, and purposefully isolating myself while I tried to recover. And the wedding - with tons of family and friends. So, when I got back to Cali - I was tired and homesick. For the first time in 15 months, I was homesick. Literally sobbing for my family in Florida. I couldn't explain it - I didn't understand it - but it was there.

And so, God broke me. I HAD to take a break from school - there was no way I could catch up. And I had a lot to figure out before I was ready to wrestle with theological issues anyway.

I discovered that I need to not stress about getting out of here in 3 years. I'm not that old - only 32. And one more year won't really hurt my ministry - but will certainly help my heart. Perhaps I might be one of the few who graduate and actually stay a pastor for awhile. I need to slow down a bit, and minister while I study.

I know, novel concept! But... I hadn't really considered it. I was so focused on the end result that I forgot about this part of my journey. I'm called to be a student at Fuller right now. My calling for today and tomorrow and the next year... is to be a student of Theology. To prepare myself for ministry. But that doesn't mean that I'm on hold! It doesn't mean that I need to rush through this season of life in order to get to the "real calling".

By no means! THIS is my calling. Right here. Right now. And, in order to get the most out of it... I need to slow down and really experience this. I know that I will be a better pastor because of it. And, I might have opportunities to minister, even as I continue to be a student.

And so, I'm slowing down. I took a little break this quarter. And I might not ever go back to full-time. But I will finish this. Because God has called me to shepherd his sheep - and that is where I am most fulfilled - when I am living out my calling. I will not step back from this calling... but I am learning to listen to God NOW... and not just look for Him down the road.