Relationship Epiphany

So... after celebrating the union of Josh and Nicole... I got to thinking what that meant, practically.

Some of this may sound silly, but bear with me as I try to share how my brain works through this stuff.

1. Nicole is now a part of our family... forever.
Yes, I know this is a really silly thing to say... they got MARRIED after all. What else would I think... but... it's permanent... we're a family of 6, not 5. And I'm really happy about that. But I don't think I'd really thought about it. Sure, dad's siblings got married after I'd been born, so I had experienced the addition of people to my relatively small extended family... but I hadn't really ever thought about the changes that the marriage brings. Our family is forever changed - in this case for the better, for sure - but changed.

2. This led me to think about how I felt about that... and I discovered that I'm not ready for that amount of change in my life.
There is still too much of a mess in my life... and I'm just not really in a place to share my life yet. This is REALLY odd, because I think I've been longing for marriage since the breakup with Ed many moons ago (1996!!). God is doing some big things in my life... and the mess is just too messy to share just yet. Before any of you worry about my view... don't worry. I'm not planning on getting myself completely un-messy before trying for a relationship - I'm not that naive. I am fully aware that I will never be without a mess - and that, really, I need someone who can love my mess as much as I do... but... there is still some work to be done in me before I'm really ready for a grown-up relationship.

3. Discovering my underlying unpreparedness for relationship led me to consider why I thought that I wanted marriage, that I was ready for marriage, when clearly that's not at all where I am...
And I discovered that what I really craved was deep, intimate relationship - something that I've been missing for a long time. Most people who know me know that I'm good at making friends. But I'm not as good at maintaining friendships. I'm often good at surface level conversations (like Kyle noted about my obsession with talking about school last year) but rarely good at deep level sharing and discussing. Until recently. Something has happened here at Fuller - and I'm getting better at this. I have some incredibly great female friends (Michelle and Sophie) that have filled that hole in my heart. So I've been able to stop obsessing over finding a man to make me happy... and I realized how very happy I already am.

4. And then I realized that I'd been objectifying all the men in my life... every single one of them.
In my obsession with not being an "Old Maid" or missing out on my "child-bearing years", I looked at EVERY SINGLE MAN... yup, every one, as a potential mate - instead of as the friend that they were. I read something into EVERYTHING that they said and did, hoping against hope that they were trying to profess their undying love for me. So... men in my life... if you're reading this... I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. And I ask that you forgive me. I may not be able to ever talk about this to you in person... but I am so very sorry. I am grateful for your friendships... and I look forward to figuring out how to be a real friend to you...

And so, that was my epiphany. So I'm learning to be happy - not just content - with my single-ness. I'm thinking seriously about what ministry as a single, woman pastor is going to look like. And I'm learning to appreciate my friends... all of them... men and women.

Thank you friends - for loving the messed up crazy me that I am.