So much...

There is much to say... and much that I can't, or am not ready to, say. Change is powerful... and painful. I'm working through some pain and hurt that I didn't really even know was in me. Rejection of myself as a beautiful, talented, blessed Child of God. Somehow, over time, I have learned to not believe the wonderful things people say about me.

I think in an attempt to be "humble", I've managed to actually convince myself that I'm not worth all that much. I constantly see myself in relation to others and find myself lacking and the 'others' to be superior - more blessed, more talented, more beautiful, more popular... more.

I keep expecting someone to finally tell me the truth - that everyone else has just been 'being nice' my whole life. Telling me I'm talented, gifted, called - but really, that I'm just a useless, talentless lump that is annoying to everyone around me and easily forgotten when not in sight.

So now that I've realized that I think of myself that way, how do I embrace myself? How do I remain appropriately humble and still acknowledge who God has created me to be? Heck, not just acknowledge, but celebrate?? How do I do that??

Just for fun, I think God has put many people in my path this week to affirm things to me that I apparently don't really believe about me. It's been interesting to receive compliments and affirmations now that I'm aware of what I really think these people are telling me. So, I'm trying to really trust these people. Michelle, I trust you... and I'm trying...

In some ways, this habit of mine has been handy. For example: when I honestly didn't think Fuller would accept me, they did. So I got to be surprised and excited about it, instead of it being the appropriate thing to have happen. And yes, I had many people in my life tell me that I would be accepted... including the Holy Spirit who prompted me to apply in the first place... but I didn't believe it, not really.

Anyway, now this has turned to rambling, so I'll stop. If you're a pray-er, pray for me.